Don't know why...

I don't know if it's because it's Christmastime and there's something so cute about a baby in a santa hat, or because Christmas evokes strong feelings of family togetherness and family memories...

I don't know if it's because my six pregnant coworkers are all getting close to delivering and conversations of baby gifts, baby excitement and baby plans are thicker than static in this winter air...

I don't know if it's because I just had a birthday, another year older, and life is not going the way I planned...

I don't know if it's because this week's Christmas gathering highlighted the fact that we were the only young couple present that did not have a child or expect one very soon...

I don't know if it's because it was this time last year that we started trying, and I naively thought for sure we'd have a baby by next Christmas, and wouldn't it be so cute in its "Baby's First Christmas" onesie, and wouldn't it be so fun to bring it to both grandparents house to get doted on and loved...or perhaps we'd at least be pregnant, and be able to send a Christmas card with us, the beaming, expectant couple framed by Christmas lights and holiday cheer...

I don't know if it's because now that the Clomid is out of my system, I'm back once more to a messed up body that can't do anything right, and we truly have no hopes of getting pregnant on our own...

I'm not sure what it is, but this week has been a rough one, and I find myself spending more time than usual reading blogs of others struggling with the same things, or more frequently averting my gaze from a pregnant woman mindlessly rubbing her belly, or more often begging God to help me be content with what I have. I don't usually like to focus on the hurt, the disappointment and the frustration, but this morning, it has spilled over.

Thank you for letting me vent.